How Religion Led My Attention Astray
With a little help from rationalism, modernity, and the enlightenment
This is Part 4 in a series about Attention, Simone Weil, and Religion
You can read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 here
As a child, I was always attracted to the rituals of the church.
I loved the music, the incense, the standing, the sitting, the clothes, the colors, the sights and the sounds. Being in mass was a fantastical sensory experience.
I didn't understand anything back then, but the rituals of church, and by extension the church itself represented mystery, ritual, and wonder to me.
It was alluring.
So I did what anyone would do: I wanted to learn more. I wanted to understand the mystery and get closer to it.
I started reading up every book I could on Catholicism. I even went on to become a Theologian.
To cut a very long story short, I realized too late that if you want to kill your love for something, then study it. Put it under a microscope. Dissect it. Beat it over the head with analysis.
It's like trying to get to know someone by reading up about them, instead of spending time with them.
You get the idea
(Quick aside: there's nothing wrong with learning about anything- but that's not all there is to it)
I reached a point in my life where my experience of my religion was 100% left-brained.
My mode was always critical, always judging, and always analyzing.
Lately, I have been feeling like I am on the inside of the church looking out. Somehow, I find myself feeling like an outsider in the church. Like I don't belong.
At the same time, I cannot simply leave. It's not that simple (at least for me.) Being a part of the church is a big part of my life. But what that means right now is going to take some radical re-imagining.
In the spirit of Simone Weil’s attention, I am not rushing to solutions- I am doing my best to work on the problem.
Like that math problem that is difficult to solve.
Remembering to savor and enjoy the problem!
When the church gets too left-brained
One place where the lack of attention is palpable is with the issues we face today.
I look at many Catholics, and the things they care about seem so small and trivial (to me). There's a lot of obsession with outward formulas. Meanwhile issues on justice, poverty, or personal human trauma get overlooked.
This is not new, and as old as religion itself.
Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism all have teachings again hypocrisy and justice. It wouldn't take much to find similar teachings from different cultures and traditions.
Because my experience is with Catholicism, it's easier for me to call out.
Often, it church is stuck in left-brain thinking. Rules, doctrine, orthodoxy- what is "right and wrong."
I'm not going to pretend I was better than this.
For a long time, I identified as a logical, left-brained apologist. Somehow, the rhythms of my life took me to a right-brain place. (A long story-- but the short version: too much left-brain made me unhappy!)
I had to unlearn a lot of what I identified with to find a new way of being in the world.
I’m not saying that the church is irrelevant, or that it doesn’t have anything to offer. But it feels like it is so caught up in its own world, that it is missing the bigger picture.
Religion on the Right Side of the Brain
I used to believe that you could study your way into a new way of becoming.
I’ve certainly come across ideas or analogies that were so powerful they completely changed the way I think about my world.
But 95% of the time it is action that precedes belief.
We are transformed not by our ideas but by what we do. We learn through our bodies, not just our minds.
When I go on a nature hike, I feel my right brain waking up! Time slows down. I am not analyzing. I enter into a store of wander. I learn to see the world in a new way.
It is the difference between a tour vs a pilgrimage.
It is the difference between a zoo, a safari, and a mountain hike
It is the difference between music criticism and being at a concert.
When people say that they feel closer to God in the mountains, or in some far off wild landscape, they mean that literally
Religion could be this way.